I ask myself this question a lot. Who am I? Who am I meant to be? Usually where my internal conversation goes is, well, nowhere. I am pretty ADD, so the thought is pushed out of the way by other, more important thoughts, like what do I need from the grocery store, is there anything at the dry cleaners, and what bills HAVE to be paid TODAY.
The other day, my husband asked me if I was tired of operating in “panic”mode, and not having a plan and process in place. The first thought that came into my head was something I won’t say here, because this is a family place, but you can imagine. The second thought was, “well of COURSE I would prefer to have a ‘plan’, you idiot, but I’m a freaking mother and no matter what the hell I WANT, it’s not going to happen”. Then, I realized that maybe that is who I am, a person who likes the adrenaline of always moving, always having the proverbial balls in the air. I’m not referring to what I wanted to do to my husband right then–I do like to be busy all the time. Until I don’t. Then I just want to crash in my favorite spot, the right side of the bed.
Moving sixty miles an hour or stopped. I’ve said that of my children many times; but I think the same holds true for me. I enjoy doing a lot of projects at the same time, because I can. I can read a book, listen to the television, answer a question and cook at the same time. Maybe while hopping on one foot–I’ll have to try that. Is that because I’m ADD? Possibly. I like to think it’s because I am the consummate multi-tasker. And while I AM more than a mother, it’s the very fact that I AM a mother to four kids that I am, who I am.
Does this answer the question of “Who am I. . .Really?” No, it doesn’t. But it does allow me to forgive myself for my perceived slights and appreciate the fact that I am. And that I am okay.