Monthly Archives: October 2012

Who am I. . .Really?

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I ask myself this question a lot.  Who am I?  Who am I meant to be?  Usually where my internal conversation goes is, well, nowhere.  I am pretty ADD, so the thought is pushed out of the way by other, more important thoughts, like what do I need from the grocery store, is there anything at the dry cleaners, and what bills HAVE to be paid TODAY.  

The other day, my husband asked me if I was tired of operating in “panic”mode, and not having a plan and process in place.  The first thought that came into my head was something I won’t say here, because this is a family place, but you can imagine.  The second thought was, “well of COURSE I would prefer to have a ‘plan’, you idiot, but I’m a freaking mother and no matter what the hell I WANT, it’s not going to happen”.  Then, I realized that maybe that is who I am, a person who likes the adrenaline of always moving, always having the proverbial balls in the air.  I’m not referring to what I wanted to do to my husband right then–I do like to be busy all the time.  Until I don’t.  Then I just want to crash in my favorite spot, the right side of the bed.  

Moving sixty miles an hour or stopped.  I’ve said that of my children many times;  but I think the same holds true for me.  I enjoy doing a lot of projects at the same time, because I can.  I can read a book, listen to the television, answer a question and cook at the same time.  Maybe while hopping on one foot–I’ll have to try that.  Is that because I’m ADD?  Possibly.  I like to think it’s because I am the consummate multi-tasker.  And while I AM more than a mother, it’s the very fact that I AM a mother to four kids that I am, who I am.

Does this answer the question of “Who am I. . .Really?”  No, it doesn’t.  But it does allow me to forgive myself for my perceived slights and appreciate the fact that I am.  And that I am okay.